How has life been lately? well not great. everything seems to be going wrong. i truly do not know what to do. i don't know how to handle the stress, and the expectations and everything else. life in general is too chaotic for me to handle. i hate not being able to control any aspects of my life. currently i'm struggling in school. yes struggling, i have a C in Ap Spanish IV which is impossible to even raise to a B, and i only have one solid A this semester. How frickin sad is that? i can't believe i let myself down like that, i am truly disappointed. i feel as though no matter how much i give in this year, i don't receive anything back. why does everything seem so much harder and out of hand this year? lord. i hate hearing myself complain and yet i'm doing so. i'm just praying that there would be some miracle and i'll be able to raise my horrid B's into A's. though it is not likely, it doesn't mean i wont give all that i have to try to do well on the damn finals. PHYSICS AND SPANISH on the same day, that is lovely no? at this moment i feel as though an A is not tangible, a satisfying GPA is not tangible at the moment, and it drives me crazy.

besides school, i still have to worry about my college applications. how am i going to finish it all in time? i'm just wondering how we're all handling this. we're a bunch of unstable girls right now. it is truly not a happy sight at mercy. i want to try so hard, but i'm starting to think i have nothing left to give. i'm all worn out. i'm done. god, just NYU and University of Notre Dame, and i'm done with college applications. then all i have to do is send my SAT and ACT scores. hopefully that day will come soon enough. all that i can do now is pray that i will do alright on my finals, especially my SPANISH!!! i need to study for my spanish test for tomorrow.

oh, i forgot to mention that i saw him on black friday. i was shocked. i never expected to see him again, so happy and relax. i hate that man i truly do. every ounce of my body wanted to go up to him and punch him. hurt him, so he would feel the pain that his cowardice self have caused me. everything with this situation is unfair. was he affected? no, was his ____ affected? no. everything went dandy for him. but for me? i still get shivers everytime i think about it. i can't seem to shake the thoughts out of my head. the haunting never cease to stop and seeing him just enhance all those effects. i hate that man, and i think he knows that. the sad thing is, he is too afraid to face it. fucking coward.

what am i thankful for? i'm thankful for the sun, the moon, the air we breathe, the ground we stand on, and everything that occupies this beautiful earth of ours. we should truly appreciate it. i'm thankful for my dog; she brings me joy. i'm thankful for my job at adidas and my wonderful coworkers making my transition so easy. i'm thankful for all my friends for always being there for me. i'm thankful for spell-check, i wouldn't' t be able to survive without it. i'm thankful for the invention of soba, it's the most delicious thing in the world. i'm thankful for all the mentors in my life; they guide me.  i'm thankful for my family. i'm thankful that everyone of them is safe and sound, and i'm thankful in particular that my dad is alive at this moment. earlier this morning he got into a car accident; his car was towed; it's a complete wreck; i'm thankful that the airbag saved his life. most importantly i'm thankful for having the chance to have a decent life, and to have enough water to drink each day, to have enough food to eat, to have shelter over my head, to have rights, and to have a voice.  i'm thankful to be me.